we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
