Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize