so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
