he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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