If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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