Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
