I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
