Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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