I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
