I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
