apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
