Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize