cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize