Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
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