dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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