shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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