just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize