We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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