I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
