Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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