I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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