I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
