this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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