last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
