You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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