i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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