drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
