There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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