Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
