last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
