Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
