i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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