At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
