my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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