recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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