My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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