When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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