New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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