I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
