Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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