If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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