First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
So many bounce houses so little time
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
