It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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