wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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