A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
