Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
This is the high leading the old right now
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize
