My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
