i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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