he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
