I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
