my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
