I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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