We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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