Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
