You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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