I think im going to throw up on grandma
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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